Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
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[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!