I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
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Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
tis the season
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
this is how life feels
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
not for long