It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
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My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*