I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
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Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley