I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
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Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it