I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
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Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.