I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.