I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?