My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.