Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
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My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit