I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Me irl
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]