I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
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It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Is anyone gonna tell them?