I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
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Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia