I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
You Might Also Like
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
#Caturday
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*