“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
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I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it