I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
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Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then