I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
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They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Still a very good boi….
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary