I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?