I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
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I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods