I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
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“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …