I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
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Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
mumsnet is amazing
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer