Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
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[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first