I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
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I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Never ghost your hitman.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER