I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
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[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Autocorrect is my menesis
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.