@Robert_Beau: I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
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@TheDailySchmuck: [Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant] Cop: You're under arrest. Me: What's the charge? [Lowers sunglasses] Cop: a salt and buttery.
@BlairLoudly: Me: SPIDER! Brain: Nope, fluff. Me: SPIDER! Brain: That is a fly. Me: SPIDER!!! Brain: sigh. That's your hand idiot.