@Robert_Beau: I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
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@SgtButtCheeks: My 4yo son just asked what squirrels eat. I answered nuts. We laughed so hard, hugged, and gave each other a high 5. My boy.
@ThaJawn: An air horn that looks like a febreze can so you will always know when someone shits at your house
@Brampersandon_: [leaving a party] HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket H: ya M (suspiciously): mine had 2
@iwearaonesie: wife: You're going to work like that? me: Yeah, it's casual day [20 minutes later] me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?