@NoogsCorner: I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: Why was that guy yelling at you? [flashback to me ignoring the "one per customer" sign] me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
@nbadag: [movie theater] TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go.....to protect what he loves ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
@TheRolo: [Updates Christian Mingle bio] "Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first" "You have 999 new matches"
@trumpetcake: I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.