@NoogsCorner: I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@ibid78: "Sir your résumé says you can read minds." "Yup. And you're thinking 'Why would he put that on a résumé?'" "Oh. My. God. You're hired."
@rsynder336x2: I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I'm a great husband
@CulturedRuffian: Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf? Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
@TwatWaffler69: If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there's nothing I can do about it.