I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
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I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Breaking news:
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
*puts my mental health in rice
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]