@MissNaughty1801: I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all
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@evildadatron: Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don't want people to know they like to swim YOU DON'T KNOW
@WilliamAder: I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
@lloydrang: 1970s: "Hey baby" 1990s: "Hey babe" 2014: "Hey bae" 2020: "Hey b" 2030: "All hail our glorious squirrel overlords"
@PoliUncorrect: Pharmacist: need any help? Me: Yes, I'd like whatever Oprah was on when she gave each and every audience member a car