I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
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Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.