i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
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Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Awesome parenting 😂