I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
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My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Pandas 🐼🖤
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.