I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
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Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I enjoy a good short stor
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*