I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
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Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Safety first
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine