I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
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Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.