I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
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My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
[eats all your cotton candy]
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…