No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I think this should do it.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.