I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
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mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Sooo many times…..
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.