@TheMichaelRock: I forgot my work ethic at home today, but I did remember to bring my shenanigans and debauchery.
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@Sanbel11: Police officer: Have you had anything to drink? Me:No PO:Ok, blow into here Me:But there are no candles PO:Ma'am please get out of the car
@AndyAsAdjective: gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says "MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU'RE KID" just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
@DJTannerComedy: Anderson Cooper: "the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control." Arizona Wildfire: "Wow, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black."