i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
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Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
jesus, what did this guy do
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.