I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
You Might Also Like
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
How funny!
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
This makes total sense…
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit