Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
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[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
iPhone X
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.