My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
You Might Also Like
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
ok this is my dumbest yet
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant