@pakalupapito: i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13
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@FilthyRichmond: Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
@crunchenhanced: The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
@HelloJessicaFox: (My romance novel) “You have a pretty face,” he said. “Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
@causticbob: It's my mate's birthday today. He doesn't drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We've got no idea how to celebrate it.