@sucittaM: I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@marcia_bee: I was going to suggest Twitter to have a live Nativity scene but I think it's going to be impossible. A virgin and 3 wise men? On here?!
@tree_bro: "Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed", reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.
@KalvinMacleod: ME: I’ve been shot MEDIC: put pressure on the wound ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
@BuckyIsotope: Everyone dies of *something*. For example, this man is about to die from buying the last box of Thin Mints in front of me in the cookie line