@sucittaM: I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@envydatropic: If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
@WilliamRodgers: "I don't get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses..." -Superman
@goodersuk74: I got a new stick of deoderant. Instructions said: 'remove cap & push up bottom'. I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely