[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
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Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”