@sucittaM: I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
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@Dustinkcouch: When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back "Maybe :)" so idk man I might have plans tonight.
@markedly: Finally thought of a retort to my bro's friend who kicked me from his car in 1998 I don't need your Camero anyway Ricky MY LIFE is a joyride
@sweetandweak: Daughter just told me, "Dad, I don't make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches." One day her picture will be on money.
@gorrdano: I'm throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.