[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
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[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.