@causticbob: I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
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@Carbosly: As a kid, I didn't want to get caught misbehaving by my parents. Now I'm a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
@stephenjmolloy: *registering with a doctor* Receptionist: "Thanks for filling in the form - you've missed the next of kin section" *batman runs out crying*
@jwoodham: DRAKE: I'll drop the best album of 2016. BEYONCÉ: Nah. DRAKE: The best album of... April? BEYONCÉ: Nah. DRAKE: Please don't do this to me.