I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
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Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other