I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
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The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
scares
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!