I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
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My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
This hospital has everything
Canadian owl: Eh?
Coffee for people with no kids
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*