@tastefactory: I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they're way too big for him.
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@KeetPotato: "what's your most cherished memory keith?" [looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile] [leans into mic] i heard a dog laugh once
@simoncholland: One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don't want to do.
@scenesfromahat: As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
@xLiserx: Me: Can't. I'm exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning. Him: It's pronounced 'croissant' & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!