I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
2022 will be better than 2021
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*