@tastefactory: I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they're way too big for him.
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@KeetPotato: cop: "sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood" me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way] cop: "ok that's better"
@hythemafia: I've quit my new job as a postman..... .....they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought: "This isn't for me."
@DaveTheAlbino: Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
@AphroditeAfter5: Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild