If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Have kids, they said
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*