@just1fool: I found a ten dollar bill on the ground once and thought, "This is as good as it's ever going to get. Buy some relish."
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@jctwritesstuff: *gets up off bed* *puts pants back on* Oh...so you...you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
@iwearaonesie: wife: I was saving that me [eating bacon] It expires today *wife checks package* *sees I crossed out the date and wrote "today"*
@FilthyRichmond: I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they're trying to catch her.