“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
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Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
shit just got real
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
oh my gosh!!
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?