No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
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Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face