In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
So creative 😂
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Ah yes. The three genders
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.