I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
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Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.