@gigglegirlnoel: I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
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@Reverend_Scott: JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life. LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder. JUDGE: Oh, then you're free to go.
@electrolemon: "let's put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let's go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars" - cops
@chuuew: ME What's a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica! PENGUIN . . ME [makes flies over head motion] PENGUIN I don't know what that means